Climbers and outdoorsmen will tell you that fear is the killer when you are in a dangerous situation. Yoda said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

Bryan Post would say that all bad behaviours in our Children of Trauma are based in fear. Fear that was brought on by early childhood trauma whether that trauma be  physical, sexual, or verbal or if was based in neglect. These children are forced into survival mode - they become hyper vigilant - and the whole world is hostile and dangerous. Imagine that for a moment - every person and event feels like it is potentially life threatening. Normal is chaotic. Normal is unbalanced. Normal is loud and dangerous.

This fear can cause many of the behaviours that we see in children suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). These can manifest as extreme defiance, anger, theft, cruelty, and worse. As parents of the RAD child we often buy into that fear astonished that our child can't see that that being defiant is naughty, kicking the family dog is an evil act, that lying and stealing are not productive and are at odds with a strong relationship with mom and dad. Parents of children with RAD may hear themselves saying in exasperation, "don't you understand how LUCKY you are to have become part of this family?" The fear of our child segues into abject fear in the parent of what will become of little Billy or little Sally. Will s/he end up In prison or worse? It can seem like these behaviours are willful - which is enough to drive a parent up the wall.

Don't fall into the trap. A Child of Trauma will turn peace into chaos because that *feels* normal. As difficult as it is, you must not slip into those chaotic feelings. It can take an almost Herculean effort to not take it personally and to let the emotions of fear and anger bubble to the surface. The chaotic angry emotions will never aim your own behaviour true. If you do find yourself falling into the chaos trap, it is critical that you take a breath and remove yourself from the negative place and only ever act when you are in a peaceful place.

The primary aim of a parent of a Child of Trauma should be to create a safe peaceful place where the child can more fully experience love and joy. Fear cannot exist when there is an active state of love.  Post would further say, that when a child is in a highly aroused state and is acting out, seek the child's eyes and say firmly and calmly, "You are NOT going to die." This might seem ridiculous on at the surface, but think about it. If your fear response has triggered "fight or flight" and you have retreated to the more animal responses, just being told that you are safe might well trickle into the crevaces of your psyche. Then when you don't die 10, 20, 100, 500 times with this new set of care givers, your fear based behaviours will inevitably begin to change.

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post covers many of these issues and discusses strategies. I'll be writing up a short review on the book in the near future.

Photo Credit: Matthew Saunders
Art Work Credit: Cris Brodahl