Disrespect
Sun, 03/22/2009 - 08:55
My 7 year old adopted son is ssssooo disrespectful to me that I can't stand it anymore. He calls me stupid,idiot, liar and tells me to shut up or shut my mouth. He tells me no 2o millions times a day. He has temper tantrums after temper tantrums when I tell him no. He was just being disreespectful to me and no one else but lately he has been talking disrespectful to just about everyone that he comes in contact with. Except at school. This is the first year he has actually had a good year of school and that's because he is afaraid of his teacher. He does all his work everyday and has even gotten rewards (which are hanging up on his walls.) He has went to parties at school. But when he comes home and its time to do homework I have heck to pay. I can handle everything he does except the disrespect. My mother lives with me and he has been disrespectful to her as well and she is from the old school and I have to try to keep the peace between them. I have tried everything the therapist has suggested to everything anyone else has suggested but nothing has worked. He has consequences and time outs and losing prevledges to no avail. I don't beleive in spanking kids so I don't know what else to do.
Comments
Your introduction seems to say that things got bad after the adoption finalization. You've had roughly six months of downhill behavior since then?
How much worse is his behavior than the worst it has ever been?
What has the doctor said about the problems? Has he offered to mix up his medicine at all? I've heard some folks have had pretty good luck with Risperdone for violent outbursts.
You asked how much worse is his behavior than the worst it has ever been? 3 weeks ago he bit me on the arm while having a meltdown and I had to have 4 stiches in my arm. That has never hapenend before the adoption. He disrespect has gotten a lot worse since the adoption. Therapist stated that he is just testing me to see if I am going to get rid of him like his parents did. The doctor upped the dosage of his abilify and vyvanse. Risperdone and all the other meds don't work on him they make him more angrier. And it has been six months this month since the adoption. So you are saying he should stop doing this anytime now? Someone needs to tell him the six months waiting period is up.lol
That is pretty typical of kids with Attachment issues. The absolute worst thing that you can do is lose your temper and fly off the handle. I bet, when you do lose your temper (we all do), you see a little glint of joy and perhaps even a little smirk or laugh--which is even MORE infuriating.
Children of Trauma need to feel in control. Also, almost nothing you can do to Children of Trauma even comes close to what she or he has gone through in the past.
I think you get the drift.
The point is, that adults--in the minds of these children--are not to be trusted. Adults don't nurture and provide. Adults are dangerous. So, when a Child of Trauma begins making attachments, the little terrified monkey on the inside gibbers like a mad thing and does EVERYTHING it can to push that attachment away. In many instances this includes extremely disrespectful behaviour.
I'm reading The Connected Child and it centrally deals with respect and how to command respect from our adopted and fostered kids. It has good advice.
Perhaps the best book I've ever read on the subject is The Explosive Child which affords amazing insight.
In the end, being consistent and kind; showing patience and rarely showing anger; and always keeping in mind that it ISN'T personal will glean results but it takes a lot of time.
Being the parent of a Child of Trauma isn't easy.
You are right on the money with him. That is excatly how he thinks and acts. I thought I was the only one having this problem. Not only was he severly abused and negelected but they were also starving him. So now he has issues with food. I have to be very careful what he eats and how much he eats. The one thing that I do have the upper hand on is he does NOT go into my kitchen and help himself. I get up and get whatever he needs. Thank you for the advice about the books. I will have to order them.
No, you're not the only one having these kinds of problems. This site was built on that very idea--almost all parents of Children of Trauma think that they are the only ones. That just isn't the case.
Think of this place as a virtual support group. You might want to see if your kid's doctor/therapist can recommend an in-person support group if one has been set up.
What is an in-person support group?
Sometimes Social Services (if that is where your adoption ran through) or the therapist/doctor's office will have after hours meetings with a group of parents with like issues. So, in your example, they might bring together parents that are fostering or have adopted kids who suffered neglect and abuse. Often just the act of being with and directly talking with others in your circumstances will help a person work through the issues he or she is experiencing.