Contact with birthparents after adoption?
Mon, 01/19/2009 - 16:28
How many of you who have adopted from foster care still allow contact with birthparents after adoption? There were no drugs involved in my kids' bmom's case. She just basically chose a man over them. She had 2 older children who were put in foster care in another state and subsequently adopted several years ago. She still keeps in contact with one of them. She knew that if I adopted them, I would probably allow contact so as soon as I said I would adopt them, she relinquished. My problem now is that she keeps pushing those boundaries and its not always something big, most of the time its just irritating. When I told her D wanted to change his name to MJ, she wailed and said "what makes you think I would want to call him something different when I named him D?" I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to say 1) its not all about you and 2)we can fix you ever having to call him anything ever again right now. I restrained myself but just barely. It made him keep D as a second middle name when before he wanted nothing to do with the name. She also wanted me to have them hyphenate her last name with mine and I said NO. I hate hyphenated names, they are a pain to mess with. I gave them a choice, her name as 2nd middle, keep as last or my name as last. They both chose mine.
Comments
We'd never allow it. Birth parents were so deeply troubled that it makes no sense to allow contact. At age 16, we'd be willing to help find the birth parents if it is desired though.
So often with kids who have ended up in foster care, contact with the bio-parents is impossible. The situation has been so dysfunctional that contact can be more harmful than good.
In your case, it sounds like you think that contact of the birthmother does more good than harm. That is a positive thing.
1) Name changes: is it possible that by taking the new names and rejecting the old names, your kids are symbolically rejecting the bio-mother just as she rejected them. Changing your kids' last name to match your own makes perfect sense and avoids questions, both on a personal and practical level.
2) Boundaries: have you had a heart to heart, without the kids around, regarding your rules for contact? The bio-mom has no rights any longer. You make the rules and base them on what you think is best for your kids.
I have talked to her on the phone about boundaries. She will still push. I think she hears what she wants to hear. The last time they visited just about pushed me over the edge. The kids were taken out of the home because of the boyfriend, who she married and then got pregnant by. She finally relinquished at our last court date because she was pregnant again and knew the child would be automatically taken if she had an open DCS case and because I said I wanted to adopt and she knew I would let her still have contact with the kids. So when she got near her due date, she started asking the kids if "Kim will bring you to the hospital when I have little T." I told the kids it depended on my work schedule, what else we were doing, and how they were behaving. When she finally asked me, I told her the same and said that her husband couldn't be there. She had the baby on a weekend I was off so I agreed to take the kids. We saw the husband in the hallway and the kids hadn't seen him in so long they barely recognized him, in fact MJ didn't recognize him at all. He came back after we had been there about 10 min. My daughter was holding the baby. I thought he would leave again but he stayed and I didn't want to make a big deal about it in front of the kids and the nurses. However, afterwards I was kicking myself and totally mad at myself for not making a big deal about it. MJ is still technically a foster child until we finalize and he is NOT supposed to be around that man. I could lose MJ if the CW's found out about it and I am on target to adopt him in a little over a week. We only stayed about 10 min more but she has asked a couple of times to see the kids again and I'm not going to do it until MJ is actually mine if ever. Then after she sobbed on the phone about his name change, I am about to my limit. One more thing and I will reach my breaking point. I just wondered if other adoptive parents have been through the same sort of things and how they handled things.
I have just joined and I see that this was posted back in Jan. But I have been going through some of the same thing you have with the birth parents. The birth father is a family member the birth mother I have never seen or talked to. The father got remarried to a girl almost 15 years younger than him. I used to have to have court ordered visits with bio dad and stepmom. The dad used to tell the kids don't worry this will all be over soon and you can come back home. He would say this every Saturday at the visits. The kids would come home and have a real bad attitude with me and keep saying daddy said it will all be over with real soon. I finally told him to stop saying that to them.(And as you can see the kids never went back home.)Then when they gave up their rights to the kids it still took another 2 years to get the adoption over with. Courts ordered no contact with bio parents. But dad kept calling wanting to talk to the kids. We would argue about it all the time. Then when the adoption was final stepmom called from Texas and asked if I was going to let them see the kids again. I said NO because they still have issues with both of you and J is still having nightmares. Stepmom did not even comprehend what I said and she stated Oh, yea they are old enough to recongize our voices. So she screamed over to bio dad we still can't talk to them because they will recongize our voices. I said whatever you think and hung up. They moved to texas because she was pg again. They have already lost this last one to DHS as well. 8 kids in all. They haven't called in about 2 months now. YEA
I think it is very rare that parents who have adopted through an agency like a State or County social services maintain contact with the birth parents. In most cases, the neglect or abuse has been so great as to make such contact unhealthy. It is much more common for parents in private adoptions to have some level of contact with birth parents.