Comparisons
Mon, 01/05/2009 - 12:42
One of the small challenges one faces as fost/adopt parent are the invariable comparisons between you, as a parent, and each and every other bio/foster parent the child has ever had. These comparisons can be valid, in the case of recent caregivers, or can be pure fantasy. They can often be hurtful (whether purposeful or not).
Have you experienced these kinds of comparisons? Were they real or imagined? If so, how did you cope/approach them?
Comments
I get compared all the time, Sometimes I hear, "My mom says that JUST LIKE you do!" I hear, "but my mom lets us," and I just respond, well, this Mom doesn't. They ask why they can't watch certain movies, after all, "Our MOM let us watch it." It doesn't bother me at all really, She is still thier Mom too, and I don't want to try to make them forget her, or ever hear me bad mouth her in any way. She has done enough, they KNOW what she has done, and what she has NOT done. I truly believe they also know that about me too.
As for bio dad, as the red guy said, we know of the girls' bio dad, and as much as our oldest son hates him for what he did to him, my oldest daughter asks me on occasion, "My dad is a bad man, so why do I still feel like I love him sometimes?" It is hard to hear. I so badly want to bad mouth that man, but I won't. I just bite my tounge and tell her it is okay to feel that way. I don't know what else to tell her.
That's the right answer as painful as it is to say. I spend a lot of time telling my kiddo it is ok to be angry, just not to hurt others with that anger.
There are two bio dads involved with my kids. My oldest never knew his bio dad and the younger 2 new him. He was very abusive especially to my oldest son. I think the comparisons to their birth dad is more in the case of them being scared that I'll be abusive to them. With my oldest I think when he was being abused by the other father he dreamed about how much better his birth dad is and every once in a while he talks about his birth dad like he knew him.
I'm often compared to my child's bio-dad. I actually think he did the best he could despite the fact he was, apparently, in and out of jail. This culminated in his relinquishing his child voluntarily. This happened when my kid was really just a toddler. However, there is tons of curiosity about who he was/is and this leads to moments when I'm simply "not good enough".
I try to remember that I'm not the bio-dad. I try to remember that I am good enough. Still, it can be extremely hard.
My kids's used to compare me to bmom all the time. My mommy did this or my mommy let me do that or I saw that at my mommy's house. I finally told them it didn't matter what mommy did or didn't do but this was the way we did it at my house and that's where they live now. Most of the comparisons stopped after what I call the soy milk incident lol. Bmom always gave the kids soy milk only, when they came to live with me, I let them choose since allergies aren't involved. S chooses soy, MJ chooses cows milk. After the kids had been with me about a year and were 9 and 5, the bmom asked S if they were drinking soy milk. She said I am but MJ isn't. Bmom made a big deal about it and said S needed to make sure that MJ was drinking soy. I didn't hear any of the above conversation because it was during visitation. Later when we got home, S started yelling at me and saying 'mommy said'. She got really upset about it. I laid down a hard line right there and said I didn't care what 'mommy' said, this was MY house and my rules and I wasn't going to deny him something in my refrigerator (I buy milk for me too) just because mommy said. I guess I was final enough about it that they stopped making so many comparisons. Now that S is adopted, she only occasionally makes a comparison and its almost always when she is mad at me lol. Actually now that I think about it MJ usually saves his comparisons for when he is mad at me too.